Contemplations in the Shadow
by Engar
Summary: A One-Shot-Fic on the lines of 'Contemplations in the Dark', this short piece takes a look into the mind of Seras as she thinks about life as a vampire. I should mention that the amount of months since I watched Hellsing is growing, mistakes pointed out w


The streaks of light danced across the courtyard, illuminating a small garden on which birds danced from spot to spot in an iridescent ballet of movement and light. Further back though, sunk against a cool, dark corner, sits a girl with one hand clasped around her knee and the other stretching towards the light she knows is death to touch.  
  
An overcast day was fine; she could handle any day where the clouds blocked out the real sunlight. But direct sunlight on a baking hot day? Even her master stayed indoors though when questioned on it he would only give her a wry smile and disappear into the shadows.  
  
He could be so infuriating sometimes!  
  
And yet she couldn't hate him or even be angry with him for very long. There was something built in to being a vampire 'sired' by another, something in the blood spoke to her of the order of things. She fought and thought against it, cherished those few moments of pure, unreasoning rage, but it always ended the same. Sometimes she thought she hated him, other times she believed she loved him.  
  
Sitting in the shadows, unable to enter the light, Seras wasn't sure of anything beyond the fact that she couldn't stop thinking about him and what he had 'done' to her.  
  
The most obvious thing was saving her life or at least allowing her to continue existence. It was hard to be sure, being what she was, whether she was really alive at all. She had learned to cope through comparison; she was more human than, for example, the zombie creatures that were a result of the lesser vampires feeding. She was definitely more human than her master and had semi-cynical (and very quiet, for you never knew with Integral) thoughts about the leader of Hellsing.  
  
But what sort of existence was worth going without the warm glow of sunlight? What sort of life could be led drinking blood and sleeping during the day?  
  
Well.. obviously a vampire's sort of life but she had seen the two ends of that road - lunacy or a devil-may-care approach to life - and didn't like either. Seras looked out into the light and wondered what it would feel like just to have its warm glow on her skin.  
  
Her dead skin.  
  
Most of the others (and she hated referring to human beings as if they were a separate kind of people) were kind enough to her but there was always a tensing of muscles when she entered a room. It was belittled with jokes ("Girl as strong as you, us guys have to stay on our toes!") but she could see that momentary dance of fear as they looked upon their enemy. She almost found herself preferring those who refused to speak to her; there was something honest about their hatred that the fear and pity of the others lacked.  
  
The real trouble with being a vampire, the one that hid below all the others, was that it left you alone and on the outside. Moving by dark and drinking blood worked together to make you keep apart from the rest of society, you could never get too close to anyone normal.  
  
Real vampires were always alone, Alucard was bound to Integral by some agreement that Seras didn't understand but she knew in her bones that if he had nothing to hold him there he would drift on through the world. The natural population of a vampire pack is 1 because the natural position of a vampire is Leader.  
  
She wasn't a real vampire yet but already she could feel the growing apart. Why else did she retreat to this quiet courtyard to think? She went out on her nights off and just walked around the city in the dark, avoiding people whenever possible, seeking out dark corners to lurk in. When she had been a police officer she had been part of a squad, part of a family. Now she was all on her own.  
  
Except for Alucard and that was why her thoughts always began and ended with him, she was a 'servant' vampire and so all the bonds she had made through life had been moored onto him. One day he would grow tired of her and cut her loose, letting her drift on by herself, and only on that day would she truly be alone.  
  
But it would be forever after that, centuries stretched on before her with the terrible weight that immortality holds.  
  
One hand stretched out even further, brushing against a slender ray of light, watching absent-mindedly as smoke curled up from her fingertips.  
  
It would be so easy to just let go.  
  
It would feel so good to have the sunlight on her face one last time.  
  
Slowly, almost reluctantly, Seras withdrew her hand and dropped it by her side; letting the fingertips stroke against the cool stone.  
  
Not today though. Nor the day after that or the day that followed that one. Let all the days stretch out before her, let Alucard discard her when he wanted, let her drift through the world purposeless and alone. In the end she had made the choice between being a vampire and death. She had made that choice because she wasn't through with the world, because there was more to see and do and experience, because she was not nearly cynical enough to, on her last breath, choose death over a costly cure.  
  
Maybe she was a damned soul and maybe death would have been an easier way out.  
  
But Seras hungered for existence like any other creature and with that burning inside of her in the place of whatever had been taken, she would not throw the gift she had been given away.  
  
Let the living be in the sun, at least the shadows didn't burn. 


End file.
